[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
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What about a To-Don’t List?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.