[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
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Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”