@WhaJoTalkinBout

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

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@3sunzzz

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

@tigermcleash

Daddy?

Yeah, Bud

Can you scour the house looking EVERYWHERE for something I’m poorly describing that you’ve never seen or heard of before?

@cray_at_home_ma

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

@Mom_Overboard

Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys

@WorIdComedy

mom: why is there a Hispanic man climbing our balcony

me: he is my romeo & I am his Juliet

mom: (._. )

me: I’m just kidding call the cops

@fro_vo

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

@envydatropic

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

@thatdutchperson

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

@KyloR3n

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it