[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

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Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you


If you’ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive “to work” to get a chick to leave your house then you’re not me.


I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account


“Dad, how did you fall in love with mom?”

“Well, son, long story short I saw her picture on Instagram and it was love at first…filter.”


Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first


Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎

Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”


Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.


WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer


Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.