Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

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I respect strippers because its really hard to dance by yourself and not look stupid.


there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies


My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.


*breathes* – gets heartburn

*drinks some water* – gets heartburn

*has sex* – gets heartburn

*makes a joke* – gets heartburn


If you ask a police dog if he’s a good boy, legally he has to tell you.


[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Brain: nice


JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume