Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
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the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird