I respect strippers because its really hard to dance by yourself and not look stupid.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
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there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
*breathes* – gets heartburn
*drinks some water* – gets heartburn
*has sex* – gets heartburn
*makes a joke* – gets heartburn
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
If you ask a police dog if he’s a good boy, legally he has to tell you.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes