Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

adam and eve had first world problems

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

I would love to ker-sploosh this.

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.

The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.