[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
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[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.