*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
You Might Also Like
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Britain be like
bias laundering edition
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
🤣🤣
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.