[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
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[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Me trying to “trust the process”
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
What about a To-Don’t List?
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.