@joeljeffrey

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

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@histwaddle

People need to stop judging a person by their appearance. Just because i have food stains on my shirt that doesn’t mean i have kids.

@iGreenMonk

No matter how bad your day is going, just remember that somewhere in the world someone just got a pubic hair in their coffee.

@robdelaney

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

@Marcmywords2

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

@LifeUnPinterest

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

@Shenaniglenns

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

@totallymel

my grandfather destroyed the economy w/ the overproduction of coins he pulled from behind my ears. the market simply could not deal

@ohpegah

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

@aligarchy

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO