@joeljeffrey

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

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@dlicj

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

@Contwixt

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

@iMikosnyc

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

@MrEmilyHeller

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

@LurkAtHomeMom

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

@KevinFarzad

When walking behind someone at night, let them know you’re not dangerous by yelling “DO NOT FEAR ME” very loudly

@PleaseBeGneiss

Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son

@sugarwits

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

@jonnysun

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u