In Soviet Russia, butter can’t believe it’s not you
Me: Can I try it out first?
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
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People need to stop judging a person by their appearance. Just because i have food stains on my shirt that doesn’t mean i have kids.
No matter how bad your day is going, just remember that somewhere in the world someone just got a pubic hair in their coffee.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
my grandfather destroyed the economy w/ the overproduction of coins he pulled from behind my ears. the market simply could not deal
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
*hovers mouse over send button*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO