Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
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darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
podcasts
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Just how popey was the pope today?
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.