*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
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My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat