The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
You Might Also Like
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
sorry i lost my nudes can u send me yours
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
What idiot called them anti-anxiety meds instead of relaxatives?
“Hey, your fly’s down”
*pets fly’s head* you’ll be alright little buddy, chin up.. we’ll get you some new wings
*hears Siren’s song*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*
I’m here, Mistress.