@Parkerlawyer

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

You Might Also Like

@SJKSalisbury

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

@daddydoubts

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

@comotethomas

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh

@AbrasiveGhost

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

@JohnLyonTweets

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

@Ygrene

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

@SuperJonny64

What idiot called them anti-anxiety meds instead of relaxatives?

@KeetRidley

“Hey, your fly’s down”

Oh shit..

*pets fly’s head* you’ll be alright little buddy, chin up.. we’ll get you some new wings

@jctwritesstuff

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*