Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
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(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.