@Shellsterca

*Buys bat for home security

*it flies away

Being dumb is hard.

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@Tmoney68

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

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@FrenulumBreve

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

@michaeljhudson

What sound does a cow make?
“Moooo”
Good, a duck?
“Quack”
Good, how about a seal?
“My power my PLEASURE MY PAIN, babaaaayyy

@Ristolable

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

@_salt_n_lime

I don’t mean to complain but Disney Jr and YouTube have done a terrible job of raising my kids.

@BobTheSuit

The self-checkout screen says “Finish and pay.” I feel like I’m with an irritable hooker.

@lexizinger

at my wedding my cat will be the flower girl and she will be guided down the aisle with a laser pointer

@Sanbel11

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.