*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
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i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
sry
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
How do you like your Corgi?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.