@AimeeHelene1

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

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@TheBoydP

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

@rikpayne

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

@mrjohndarby

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

@waydybee

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

@KeetPotato

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

@AnExocticBeach

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

@duplicitron

I choose what country to visit each year by the shape of the first chicken nugget I eat.

@weismanjake

I’m a vegetarian and when people say to me “you know Hitler was also a vegetarian” it always reminds me how many Jews I’ve been killing