*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
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Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter