I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
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“We met in church.”
Lies we tell kids.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Cotton candy is just flavored spider webs
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I choose what country to visit each year by the shape of the first chicken nugget I eat.
I’m a vegetarian and when people say to me “you know Hitler was also a vegetarian” it always reminds me how many Jews I’ve been killing