*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

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I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…


People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.


me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is


whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!


nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”


Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed


I choose what country to visit each year by the shape of the first chicken nugget I eat.


I’m a vegetarian and when people say to me “you know Hitler was also a vegetarian” it always reminds me how many Jews I’ve been killing