
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
“We met in church.”
Lies we tell kids.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Cotton candy is just flavored spider webs
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I choose what country to visit each year by the shape of the first chicken nugget I eat.
I’m a vegetarian and when people say to me “you know Hitler was also a vegetarian” it always reminds me how many Jews I’ve been killing