*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
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Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again