*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
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I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
liiiiiiiiike
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!