*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
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[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
But I really needed water water water