@RoastedPapad

*Buys new iPhone*
*Crosses road tweeting about it*
*Accident*
*Dies*
*Makes entry in heaven* –
Sent via iPhone.

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@mynameisntdave

ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!

AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time

@starwuxian

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

@TheHyyyype

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

@ShitJokes

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

@MamaFizzles

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

@Cheeseboy22

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

@pbear79

Me: *trying to understand time zones* These things are all over the map.

@wesjohnson8

Boy at FBI headquarters saw pictures of 10 most wanted men & said, “Why didn’t you keep them when you took their picture?”

@david8hughes

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”