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I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate