[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
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Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
🤣🤣🤣
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Watermelon Boss!
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!