Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
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ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
You know you’re old when you see the neighbor’s dog chasing some punk teenagers & you root for the dog.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5: The good ones do.
Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] “I love the way you work it”
Baker: “No diggity?”
Me: “Baguette up.”