*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
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Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.