@PeterClayton6

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

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@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘golfed’

“May I have it in a sentence please?”

Sure. He golfed with a tee.

“G-O-L-F-T”

@ArfMeasures

Terminator: I’LL BE BACK

Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha

Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back

@Amburglar_

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

@Jeff_G_Nixon

[1st date]
HER: do you like charades?
MIME: [thumbs up]
HER: well?
MIME: [nodding ‘yes’]
HER: hello?
MIME: [shooting self with finger gun]

@Fredzipfel

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

@RandomlyMJ

I just want to rub all over you……..

……..with the front end of my car.

@DirtMcTurd

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

@Emma_Oh_

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult