Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
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Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
accurate
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Thank you corporation very cool
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.