@murrman5

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

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@ericsshadow

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

@mattingebretson

Whenever I see someone with a non-reusable water bottle I get a gun and shoot a nearby animal and say “you did that”

@meganamram

Fun fact: Peanut butter also sticks to the roof of your ex-husband’s BMW

@Douchekevin

Men don’t ask for driving directions because we just don’t want to arrive wherever you’re making us go.

@ibid78

I swear if one more person RT’s poetry into my TL I will draw a bath, light some candles, and just get lost in the verse’s haunting imagery.

@UnFitz

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

@Uncul_Scientist

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

@chuuew

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

@Kyle_Lippert

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.