When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
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Whenever I see someone with a non-reusable water bottle I get a gun and shoot a nearby animal and say “you did that”
Fun fact: Peanut butter also sticks to the roof of your ex-husband’s BMW
Men don’t ask for driving directions because we just don’t want to arrive wherever you’re making us go.
I swear if one more person RT’s poetry into my TL I will draw a bath, light some candles, and just get lost in the verse’s haunting imagery.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
BE TRUE TO YOURSELF LITTLE PUPPER