[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
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O M G. i had to screenshot this before CNN deletes their tweet 😂😂😂
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen?
Because I’m tired of running and he’s catching up….
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Just bumped into my old French teacher and she asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it means you’ve been using Apple Maps.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I see your eyes lookin me up and down, baby. Mhmm.
Huh? Toilet paper hangin out of my pants?