@iwearaonesie

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

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@Reverend_Scott

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

@surasshu

O M G. i had to screenshot this before CNN deletes their tweet 😂😂😂

@kiralc

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

@TankCesar

How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen?

Because I’m tired of running and he’s catching up….

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

@adamhess1

Just bumped into my old French teacher and she asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.

@hookmeupinit

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

@TheTweetOfGod

When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it means you’ve been using Apple Maps.

@Its_Just_Reese

Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security

Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!

@JanieBoBanie3

I see your eyes lookin me up and down, baby. Mhmm.
Huh? Toilet paper hangin out of my pants?
Oh.