*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
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There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.