Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
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ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe