*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
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There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot