BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
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rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
These are my roll models.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face