BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
lot going on here, legally speaking.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue