@Rollmaninoz

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

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@crylenol

what if your dentist is the one idiot who disagrees with the all the other dentists? how would you know?

@dlicj

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

@TheBoydP

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

@joe_binkley

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

@CakeThrottle

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

@Dank_Pal

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

@o__0Dev

It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

@sonictyrant

ME (the manager): Lets get your barista name badge sorted. Do you spell Robert with a Q or a Z?

@HatfieldAnne

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

@seancehat

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed