what if your dentist is the one idiot who disagrees with the all the other dentists? how would you know?
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
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my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
ME (the manager): Lets get your barista name badge sorted. Do you spell Robert with a Q or a Z?
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed