Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
You Might Also Like
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
What is going on? 😅
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers