My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
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[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”