BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
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I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.