[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
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I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
we’re dead?
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Always the camel, never the toe.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.