Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

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Do you hate yourself?
Do you wish someone would trip you down stairs?
Do you enjoy lacerations & and surprise vomit piles?
*hands you a cat*


*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*


Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.


So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.


9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself


My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.


I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.


Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.


Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?