Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
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Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
lol
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!