@WheelTod

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

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@zoeklar

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

@alwayzintruble

My entire day will be spent laughing at my children because they have to go back to school tomorrow..

@lmwortho

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

@WhiskeySoured

Are these the Americans?
No.
Are these the Americans?
No.
Are these the Americans?
No.

– watching the Olympics with my wife

@SirEviscerate

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

@shutupmikeginn

A dog is in my studio apartment and he keeps looking around for other rooms. I wish i was doing a little better too dude !

@LostFelicia

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

@TheMichaelRock

*catches 4yo putting on deodorant*

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: Feeding my armpits.

Me….as you were.

@summerofbenny

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

@Reverend_Scott

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on