My boyfriend said he wanted me to be more affectionate, so now I have TWO boyfriends.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
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*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Long story short: Always check headphones for spiders before you put them on.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
King Solomon: more porcupines
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.