BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
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I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”