HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
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*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
The pen is writier than the sword.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
guilty
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.