@Integrity_Guy

BuzzFeed is selling all your quiz data. If you were wondering what Ninja Turtle you were in 2011 and got “Michelangelo,” good luck getting a mortgage now.

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@subtweetopath

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

@DanSpenser

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

@MomofTeen

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

@difficultpatty

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

@liv_thatsme

If I get nervous for a date, I just imagine the guy in his underpants, sitting on my couch for the next 40 years, & suddenly I’m annoyed

@dreamsinchocola

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.

@lifecoachfit

The most stable relationship I’ve had is with a guy at the gym who has no idea we’ve been dating for the past year.

@Buffalojilll

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

@Remember_Sarah

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed