@Integrity_Guy

BuzzFeed is selling all your quiz data. If you were wondering what Ninja Turtle you were in 2011 and got “Michelangelo,” good luck getting a mortgage now.

You Might Also Like

@PimpleEye

You know what I love about people who buy followers?

I can laugh at their expense.

@TheAndrewNadeau

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

@turtledumplin

When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over.

-me, right now

@garrydavenport

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

@PaperWash

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

@sofarrsogud

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

@jwoodham

“How dare you accuse us of cheating?” said the Patriots, struggling to get a jersey on the giant robot tiger that Katy Perry rode in on.

@bazecraze

It’s only been a few days, but I’m starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.

@SirEviscerate

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.