a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
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Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.