I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
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Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.