Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
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*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?