Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
You Might Also Like
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.