[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
You Might Also Like
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes