By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
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When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
respect
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.