@MomofTeen

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

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@badAzz_mom

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

@t0m_t0m

“You’re like a brother to me”

First of all, I’m a Lannister

@ArfMeasures

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

@KeetPotato

[schmoozing at fancy dinner]
me: im a private investigator
wife: you’re allowed to say gynaecologist, keith
me: people are eating, linda

@AbbieEvansXO

Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*

@birbigs

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

@johnistoasted

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

@Thynebear

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

@samreich

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

@Inferno_V

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.