By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

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[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.


The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.


Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.


We all have that one singing coworker that makes you want to test your throat grip.


An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.

Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.


Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive


I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.


My boyfriend said he had a Catwoman fantasy. I must have misunderstood because we both wore leather cat suits to bed last night.



What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly


“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.