By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
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If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I’m about to risk it all
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.