Exhausted therapist just pointing to where he wrote “YOUR CHOICES” on a chalkboard with an arrow to where he wrote “CONSEQUENCES” and I’m staring at him and tilting my head like a dog
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
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My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I have friends who do charity work for U2.
They’re pro Bono.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I’m not saying I don’t like you, but if you had an open wound I’d hand you a salt shaker.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
[on the phone with my mom]
Me: I think we should get a dog. I really think it would be good to have someone to shower with love and affection right now
Husband: I AM SITTING RIGHT HERE
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down