By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
You Might Also Like
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea