My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
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I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Hell yeah 👍
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them