By age 35 you should be at least 35 years old

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trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business


The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.


Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?


ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”


A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.


Apparently, you still fail a roadside sobriety test if you just lay down and take a nap.


What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American


How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.