by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
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“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”