by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
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medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Did…did a minotaur write this
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers