[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
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If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken