[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
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Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations