By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
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Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
My birthstone is a marshmallow