By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
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*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.